OUR HOPE THROUGH THE STORM

In the summer of 1997, a small charter vessel was caught in a violent storm that sprung up out of nowhere. Before there was even time to put out a mayday signal, lightning struck the ship and fried the emergency radio. The little boat was a mere speck in the midst of mountainous waves with no land in sight. Everyone aboard believed they were doomed.

There were three passengers in addition to two crew members. The captain and his first mate were excellent sailors, and, with great effort, they were able to ride out the storm and successfully navigate back to harbor. Each did his share to protect the ship from the dangers of the storm. They drew upon years of experience and vast knowledge, and technology provided by countless brilliant sailors who came before them.

After their safe return, the story quickly spread, reaching national news outlets in a matter of a few days. The sailors were modest men who naturally downplayed the extent of their heroism.

The captain was quoted as saying: “I was just doing my job. I did what I had to do to get those folks home safe. I’ve trained for a situation like that my whole career, and when the time came for me to use my training, everything fell into place. We were all very fortunate to make it back safe.”

One of the passengers said: “If it wasn’t for the bravery and quick thinking of our crew, I have no doubt that this story would have been about a recovery mission to find our bodies.”

In every interview this passenger continually expressed her respect for the sailors who saved her life.

There was something strange happening though. When the two other passengers of the charter boat were interviewed they talked about something completely different. One of the men who had been on board recounted the horrific details of the storm, then said to the news anchor he was speaking with, “You know, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you today if it wasn’t for the grace of Cthulhu. He reached up and guided us home, you know. I just can’t say enough about how incredibly grateful I am to Him.”

“It’s obvious Cthulhu reached up and took the wheel of that boat and saved us all. His tentacles guided the captain’s hands to bring us home safe,” The third passenger had stated.

What had been a story celebrating the amazing abilities of a humble captain, had turned into a ludicrous lauding of the fictional Great Old One.

The first mate of the ship stated this: “I begged Cthulhu to save us. I called out into the waves knowing he would hear me. Cthulhu had been there the whole time, protecting us, and he carried us safely through that storm.”

The captain had not saved those people to receive praise and honor. He had done his job to the best of his ability and was proud of that fact, but he stayed quiet on the subject of Cthulhu. When asked about whether he believed Cthulhu had any influence on the outcome of that night, he would simply state that he had not seen or heard Cthulhu during the storm. He modestly said that he did not believe in Cthulhu.

“I’m not looking for recognition,” the captain reiterated, “There are men and women in the Coast Guard who save people at sea every day and deserve more recognition that me.”

The captain accepted the short lived praises and honors with grace and was soon out of the public’s eye. He went back to spending his days taking people out to sea on his charter boat, but whenever he happened to hear another statement acknowledging Cthulhu as the hero of that story, he felt a twinge of sadness and frustration deep in his gut. However, he needed only to remember that he had played an integral role in saving his own and four other lives, and a flood of satisfaction would wash over him.

*****

Three months later, the first mate was interviewed on a cultist radio show.

“Of course, I am grateful for the efforts of the captain.” Said the sailor to his fellow cultist, “But you can’t deny Cthulhu was there guiding him and is the reason we are all alive today. Cthulhu was our hope through the storm, so to speak. This experience really just brought me closer to Cthulhu, and I am actually grateful to Cthulhu for letting me go through that. It is something that I will never forget. I am even thinking about writing a book about this experience to relate how Cthulhu can help you with the storms of everyday life.”

“That sounds like a wonderful read,” The interviewer replied. “I’m sure cultists everywhere will be looking forward to seeing that on the shelves of their local bookstores.”

The Godly Man’s Response to Science

What is a Godly man to do when beset upon all sides by logic, science, and the facts of reality?

The Bible says to guard your mind and flee.

CLOSE YOUR MIND AND FLEE!

“Deliver me, O, Lord into the comforting arms of the fallacies of thine true word, that I may live my life without shame of hypocrisy.”

Logical arguments are designed to confuse and frustrate. Remember that nerdy kid on the debate team that made you feel insecure about yourself in high school? He used logic. That is why he deserved what he got.

Logic is the Devil’s way to trick your brain into thinking new and dangerous things in new and dangerous ways. Trust me on this: Do not try to think logically about any of your strongly held beliefs that give life meaning and purpose.

DO NOT THINK!

Using logic is only the first step toward falling victim to science. Science has no place in the life of a Godly man. For any questions about God’s creation, all the Godly man has to do is to open his Bible. The answers are all there.

You may be confronted at any time by scientific theories that have been tried and tested for centuries. Be prepared to resist the urge to learn more. Do not go poking your beak into any of these ridiculous science ideas. If God wanted you to poke your beak into science, he would have shaped your beak specifically for science poking. That is the only explanation. If you find something difficult to understand, it just means God does not want you to understand it.

DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND!

Be wary, therefore, of people who use numbers and facts organized together in well-researched articles published by the mainstream media. Citations are a clear sign that the author is using sources.

DO NOT TRUST SOURCES!

The “Fake” News Media always uses sources, and that is why they should not be trusted. The Bible never cites its sources, and God said in the Bible that the Bible is true. If you should ever find yourself tempted to read past the headline of a “Fake” News Media story, you can be sure that it is the devil at work.

In the moment of your temptation, cry out to the Lord: “Father, save me from the evils of knowledge. Deliver me from reality and its strong liberal bias. Free me from this constant fear of the truth. But most of all, Father, Make America Great Again. Remember? Like, when I was a little kid and I didn’t have to see people that looked different than me cause they weren’t allowed to go to the same school. Like, when I didn’t have to be reminded daily of the horrors wrought on this land by my ancestors. Dear God, white guilt really sucks, yaknow. Like it wasn’t me who did it so why should I even care? Wasn’t that the whole point of the Jesus’s teachings? Like seriously, why can’t everyone just leave me alone? But also can you make everyone stop having so much gay sex? It really makes me uncomfortable.”

Olympus Trip AF S-2

35mm film camera equipped with autofocus, automatic flash and a 34mm Olympus Lens. There are no manual controls except for a “fill-in” option for the flash.

The first roll I’m shooting is what I believe to be a rebranded Ferrania 200 labelled as “Winn-Dixie.” It’s probably super expired. We’ll see how it turns out.

3 Simple Steps to Avoid Eclipse Madness

1. Don’t Stare Directly at the Dark Side of the Moon

Most sunlight is blocked by the moon, but some particles still make it through. They’re normally harmless, but on their journey through the core of the Moon, they pick up harmful Micrions and become charged with Frenetistatic Energy. It’s very dangerous, so avoid it if you can. Of course, we all know you can’t.

2. Don’t Stand Still under the Shadow of the Moon for Too Long

I suggest running. The Frenetistatic Energy can’t hurt you if it can’t catch you. So run like you’ve never run before. But you can’t run that fast forever—or even two and a half minutes—because, let’s face it, you’re out of shape. So, as you collapse, chest heaving, legs aching, just wiggle your finger or something. It won’t do any good, but it couldn’t hurt, could it?

3. Embrace the Pain the Madness Brings

It’s part of your life now, until the unholy children of the moon finally crawl back into the shadowy void from whence they came and the sun shines full once more. You’ll still hear them sometimes in the middle of the darkest nights, when the sun is far away. During the next New Moon, their whispers may be nigh unbearable. Just remember: earplugs, Herbal Tea and high quality restraints help a lot. Draw the curtains, lock the basement door, and wait out the sleepless night with the rest of us.

Bonus Step:

If you have already been afflicted with the Madness, I recommend a team of at least three or four close friends to restrain you for the duration of the eclipse. These friends will have to be strong willed and unafraid of vicious biting or clawing. They should also be current on all available vaccines.